Harry Potter and the Unearthing of Insanity
by blue-greens
Summary: Harry is emo? Voldemort doesn't have a clue? Ron and Hermoine are... well... pretty much the same? Find out in this breattaking adventure of Harry Potter and the Unearthing of Insanity! Do not take seriously. Rated M only because of language. Yea. SO READ
1. The First Encountering, fo sho!

Harry Potter and the Unearthing of Insanity

"Harry, C'mon! We're gonna be late for class!" Said loyal friend Hermione. "I know Hermione! Jesus Christ! Why doesn't anybody understand me?!?!?! My secret lover Dumbledore has been terminated, Sirius perished behind the drape of eternal doom, and my fucking parents were murdered by a psychopathic Looney whom I have more in common with then I thought!"

"Is Harry PMSing again?" Ron spoke now.

"Guess so."

"I have an idea!"

"What?"

"Let's go on a life-threatening adventure to annihilate Voldemort's existence"

"Yay! Hey Harry!"

Harry looked up from his bleeding wrist. "What do you insignificant mortals want with my life?" Hermione took the knife from his hand and tossed it behind her shoulder. Unfortunately, it impaled Neville. " Sorry there Neville! Okay, Harry we're going on a life- threatening adventure to annihilate Voldemort's existence!" Harry sighed. "Fine! I'll take part in your 'adventure'."

The three hi-jacked a few brooms, ran to the forest, and flew into the sky to look for anything that resembled a life- threatening situation. As they flew over England, they saw what looked like a cloud of dust coming from a Muggle building.

"Oh no!" Harry said. "It looks as if Voldemort and his eaters of death are tormenting innocent Muggles!"

Ron spoke. "It's Death Eaters, Harry. Death. Eaters."

"This is no concern of mine! Let's go down and stop Voldemort and his eaters of death"

_face-palm_

The three heroes swooped down to save the Muggles. When down there, they saw that everything was in shambles. Windows were shattered, glass and rubble lay strewn about the streets, and people were running and screaming. Through the smoke, Harry Ron and Hermione could see cloaked figures bowing down to this thing! They soon realized it was THE DARK LORD!!!!!!!!!!!! (nuh, nuh, nuhhh)

"I am ready to face you, Voldemort! I shall no longer mask my true powers with fear!! I will confront you and your eaters of death and destroy all of you just like my therapist said!"

Voldemort whipped out a smoke and lit it with his wand. "Ha, ha, ha! You can never defeat me… for I am ehh… I am…. (Lines!)"

A death eater behind him took out a manual. "It says here take out a smoke and light it with your wand"

"Yes, I did that. Then what?"

"Now laugh menacingly and say 'you can never defeat me for I am the Dark Lord, master of all wizardry.'

"Yes, very well, then." He turned back to Harry. " I am the Dark Lord! Master of all wizardry!! Now Larry, that's you're name, right?"

"It's Harry! God, the person who wants to kill me doesn't even know my name! This is why no one understands me!"

The Dark Lord and Harry drew out their wands and let the sparks fly, all of which missed. Ron, Hermione, and the Death Eaters decided to wait in the Starbucks across the street for the fight to finish. Only loyal Bellatrix Lestrange waited by her master's side.

"Now Larry, I shall finish you off! Avagra Konash!" Nothing happened. "Afacrol… Agragwa… tractor… what's the spell then?"

Bellatrix spoke. "It's Avada Kadavra, sir"

"Are you sure it isn't Avankra Krackoa?"

_face-palm_

Just then, Larry, no wait, Harry pulled out his wand and set Voldemort's robes on fire. Bella screamed.

"Sir, you're robes are on fire!"

"Dammit! You win this round, Larry, but I'll be back!"

Everyone walked out of Starbucks in time to see a bald, red-eyed man with his garments on fire walk down the street and disappear into the polluted Muggle sky.

To be continued whenever.


	2. Back at the Skewlio

Chapter Two: The Return to Hogwarts 

Around three in the morning, Harry, Ron, and Hermione touched down on the soft grass.

"How are we going to get in without Filch or someone noticing?" Ron whispered. "You didn't bring you're Invisibility Cloak, did you?"

"No, what the fuck did you think? That I would have shoved it in my pants?"

"Well you've done it in the past…"

Hermione spoke. "Let's not get into that Ron!"

"He only did it once when we were in Vegas…"

"Ron!"

"You probably don't remember. You were drunk at the time and-

"No more Tuesday nights!"

"Dammit!"

"Great story guys, but we need to get the fuck in the castle and… Hermione was _drunk_?!?!?!?! Uh, when the fuck was this?"

"Never mind!"

-------------------------------------

Once inside the castle, the three allies went upstairs only to find that the fat (and hairy) lady had been vandalized! Across her canvas read, "I'm gonna get you Larry, Fo Sho! Love, Voldie"

"Who could have done this?!?!?!?!? And who the fuck is Larry?"

_face-palm_

Hermione spoke up. "Fat Lady, who did this to you?"

"_zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"_

"Lady, FAT THE FUCK LADY!!!!"

"_zzzzz- hack cough- _eh, what?"

"Who wrote on you?"

"Oh yea that!" she turned white. "It was the Dard Lord." He came up and I asked for the password. He was disguised as a Gryffindor first year. Then he said something along the lines of 'I'm gonna fuck you over, you two-dimensional bitch'."

The Fat Lady began to cry two-dimensional tears. She swung open without even asking for the password, and they crawled into the common room to think over what they had just seen and heard.

Ron and Hermione got cozy on the couch and Harry sat in the armchair. No one spoke for a while. Well, partly because of the snogging that was taking place, coughcoughyouknowwho but also because know one knew what to make of the situation. Voldemort was strong, and Harry wasn't sure what he would have to do before he would be able to destroy the target. Finally Harry spoke.

"Guys, Guys!"

The couple detached themselves. "Yea?"

"Does anybody have any ideas?"

Ron came up with a clever plan. With in no time, Domino's had delivered. After they finished the mushroom pizza, (ew) they got down to business for real this time. They discussed places Voldemort could be, what his weaknesses were, and how they could form a plan to annihilate his existence. Before they knew it, it was five in the morning. They departed and got into bed, even though they would only be there for an hour.

-------------------------------------

"What the shit is this?" Bellatrix said as she and Voldemort crouched over a sleeping computer.

"I think its some sort of mystical creature. Press that long rectangle." Voldemort said fascinated by their discovery. They were in a muggle home killing people when they found it. When Bellatrix pressed what we know as a space bar, the screen lit up, causing them to 'ooh' and 'ahh.'

"Let's ask it its name. Do you think it's an allie?" Voldemort asked.

"Fuck no. LET'S DESTROY IT!!!!!!! AVADA-"

"WAIT A MINUTE!!! Before you jump to your conclusion, let's see if it knows the inner workings of Harry Potter's mind!"

"Hmph."

"Oh mystical being whose name I do not know; please tell us. What is the proper way to murder an emotionally disturbed teenager?"

All of a sudden, the mystical being spoke, "You've got mail. You've got mail."

"I KNEW IT COULD NOT BE TRUSTED!!! AVADA KADAVRA!!!!"

There was a flash of green light. The mystical being had been destroyed.

"OMG! HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU?!?!?! HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND!!! YOU MURDERER!!!"

_face-palm_

_review, like, pleez!_


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